A Cry in the Dark, Island Park Towers, 1997
Lying now, on my new carpet,
In my new apartment,
With pain the likes of which
I’ve never known before.
Two failed marriages behind me.
Ten years, at least –
A Workaholic.
Eighteen months of workplace harassment.
PTSD underlying it all.
A new, high stress job.
Great expectations of me.
That is the problem with winning major awards.
People then expect so much,
Too much.
Exhausted.
Stressed out.
Reliving that first terrible divorce
And the violence and horror it entailed.
Going through the second divorce.
Something finally gives.
And I am in pain,
Pain like I’ve never known.
Lying here on my new carpet
In my new apartment,
Alone,
Alone and in pain.
It was the divorce, I think, that finally did it.
The straw so to speak,
Compounded with everything else.
And now I am here,
Lying on the carpet,
Staring at the ceiling,
My back burning –
Lower back,
Mid Back,
Shoulder Blades,
Upper Back,
Neck,
Shoulders,
Burning,
Aching,
Pain
Like I’ve never known before.
Worried about my job.
A divorce to get through.
A new apartment to furnish.
Organizing all the many details
Of a new life.
And I can barely move,
Barely dress myself,
Barely do much really,
Other than lie here on the floor,
Stare at the ceiling,
And cry.
Cry in the dark.
I’ll give myself two weeks off work, I decide,
That should do it.
That has to do it.
But it doesn’t.
Twenty years later,
Nothing has done it.
I’m functional now,
Live what appears to be a normal life.
But still the pain goes on,
Sometimes like it was then.
Fortunately, often less.
But there every day,
Or parts of every day.
To a great extent
Ruling my life –
What I can do
And what I can’t.
I never would have imagined,
Back then,
In my life before pain,
That I would spend the rest of my life,
Or at least the last 20 years of it so far,
Dealing with pain,
Chronic pain,
Unrelenting pain,
Life-altering pain.
And yet here I am.
Typing this.
Preparing to share, finally,
Some bits and pieces
From those years.
Putting it out there.
My cry in the dark.
Just to see who is there,
Who is listening,
Who knows and understands,
From their own experience,
What it means to live with pain,
What it means to cry in the dark.
Thank you so much Wendy. I can identify with you. Bless you. I believe that sharing this blog will empower you to be an OVERCOMER.
Hope and pray you are doing better.
Elaine
And I you, Elaine. Thoughts going out your way!
Thanks Wendy for such courageous sharing. I support you all the way!
Thank you, Jill. That means a lot!
Wendy, good for you for doing your blog.
I am.sure by sharing, you are benefiting yourself but others who read it and relate to you.
Great job.
Hugs
And hugs to you Beth. I remember the beautiful art that you shared when I shared my writing! I found it very powerful and couldn’t imagine being able to do what you could do. We each have our way to express the message of the soul!
Wendy! Such a powerful visual…loved it. A creative way to describe, rather than in straight narrative, what you were (are) going through.
Thank you, Star. The artist in you sees the visual! I am so glad… it is as I hoped.
Wonderfully evocative and captivating poems, Wendy. I’m sure the courage you have shown in sharing your journey will motivate and inspire those faced with similar challenges. You have started something very beautiful with your blog. Keep it up.
Thank you very much. I will keep it up. The support and feedback I have been receiving is all the motivation and inspiration that I need. I keep learning, again and again and again, just how many people are facing these kinds of challenges in their daily lives and yet they still somehow keep on keeping on – so many people with so much courage. Kudos to all of them!
I love that your giving a voice to some frustrations I feel. Is there a way to subscribe to this so I get notifications when you post new things ?
Hi Amy: We are playing with options for subscribing, or at least the person helping me with the technical part of this is working on it. Some people go to RSS Entries and fill in the form, but they said that they haven’t received notifications. There may also be a subscribe button just above the Search section if it is implemented publically. So sorry about that. I am so very glad, though, that you find it gives voice to some of your own frustrations. It is so hard to find and express that voice in a way that people can understand. Please do continue to check in until we get the subscribe functionality up and running properly. I’d love to hear from you again. In the meantime, I’m sending thoughts and energy your way.