To Maybe Wake, To Maybe Not



To Maybe Wake, To Maybe Not
The  Parkway near my  Condominium, 2003

My own feet.

Eyes closing,
So hard
To keep them
From closing.

Barely aware
Of my
Trying so hard
To focus
On taking one step
After another,
Just one more step,
And then another.

Overdose, I think.
So much pain this morning.
Slapped my Fentanyl Patch
Right over my spine.
Didn’t help much
On my shoulder.
So maybe, I thought,
It might do more
On my spine.

That’s if I thought
At all,
Of course.

Sometimes in a daze
Of pain and drugs,
I hardly knew
What I was doing.

But I did know,
With practical certainty,
That if I lay down to rest
On that particular day,
If I dared to give in,
For even a moment,
Then I might not get up again,
Not on that day,
Nor ever again.

Barely remember
That morning.

Barely remember
That whole day.

Just remember
Those moments,
By the river,
Trying so hard
To focus.

To focus
On putting
One foot
In front
Of the other.

Barely conscious.
Eyes closed.
In my waking sleep.

I wonder sometimes
Why I didn’t just give in.
Could have rested
On my bed,
Or on the grass,
In the sun,
And maybe slept
The long sleep.
The restful sleep.
The pain-free sleep.
The forever
And ever

That day,
It would have been so easy.
To stop.
To lie down.
To sleep.
To maybe wake.
To maybe not.

3 thoughts on “To Maybe Wake, To Maybe Not

  1. Dawn

    Hi Wendy,

    I’m so In awe of how far you’ve come, what you’ve accomplished and that you didn’t give up on yourself and life. (‘To Maybe Wake, To Maybe Not.’) Thanks for sharing another amazing poem.

    I just thought back to July 1993 – where I was in my life journey…..

    My world revolved around my 5 month old daughter. Wanting to be the best mother, trying to ignore the depression I kept secret from everyone. Wanting my daughter to live a happy life, to have high self esteem and be resilient to future challenges. I was at war between my depression/feelings of self hatred, and having a precious beautiful little human to do my best for. I also wanted so badly to be a good wife and partner to my husband.

    I just realized while reading your blog, and writing this now, that I’ve learned, healed somewhat, and won some battles against my negative self, over these 23 years. Thanks so much for being such an inspiration to me and to many others.


    • wendy.saunders

      Dawn, my dear friend, it is me who thanks you. I am so happy to have found such a good friend and so very glad that you are overcoming some of those battles and finding at least some degree of healing. You are a very special person, beautiful in every way. As I watched and listened to you during our recent course together, I realized how much love, support and empathy you show to everyone around you. You need to give some of that same love, support and empathy to your own very special self. See you soon.


      • Dawn

        Thanks so much, Wendy.

        I’m realizing how much power we all have within ourselves to heal, to let go and to move forward. When we learn what allows us to tap into it, we change the direction of our thoughts and behaviours.

        You’ve found your power, girl!👍⭐️😊. Thank you very, very much for sharing your journey.

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