Giving a Voice to the Pain – Introduction (September 2016)

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These blog entries provide recollections from 20 years of living with chronic pain and many more years of living with PTSD.

I began writing only recently in an attempt to give a voice to the chronic pain and to the trauma of PTSD. The writing started as a creative project during a “Mindfulness For Pain Management” course in which we were asked to express our pain either through a picture or through the written word. I chose to write.

I selected one hour out of my 20 years in chronic pain and attempted to convey, in words, what it really means to live in pain, day by day, hour by hour, month by month, year by year.

I shared my writing with my classmates and discovered that the writing and the sharing was therapeutic – for me and for them. It provided a voice that said what they all wanted to say but couldn’t find the words to say it.

I decided that I would continue to write and continue to share with any and all of you who are suffering from chronic pain, or PTSD, and who are trying to find a way to voice it.

The writings are primarily stream of consciousness, during which I place myself back in time and into those moments that are representative of my life. They are voiced in a way that bares the heart and soul, leaving one vulnerable. They are meant to be read in the same voice.

Although not cheerful subjects, there will be moments to uplift.  After all, 20 years in pain, and many more years living with PTSD, and I am still here and life still has value.

Regarding the PTSD, I live, now, with greatly reduced symptoms thanks, in large part, to about four years of psychotherapy and courses on anxiety and depression and mindfulness.  There is, overall, less anxiety and depression and there are fewer, and less severe, panic attacks.  In some ways, I am doing much better, although the pain seems to be spreading throughout my body and I do not get a lot of relief these days.  And, yes, I plan to share the pain, but I also look forward to sharing how much a life can improve when one seeks, and is lucky enough to find, the help needed.

Thank you for visiting with me today. Share your thoughts if you wish.  And come back again any time. I’d love to share my journey with you.

A Farewell to Psychotherapy

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A Farewell to Psychotherapy
Perthmore 2017

On my own again.
Better armed,
It’s true,
Than I ever was before.

Thought I’d be the one
To decide
On the coming,
And the going.

Didn’t take advantage
Quite as much
As I should have.
Too late now.
Find another way.
Or, maybe,
Do it on my own.

I did it on my own,
Before.
I can do it on my own,
Again.
Better armed
Than I ever was before.

Still a lot
I can’t get down to,
Deep in the soul
Of regrets,
And hopes,
And fears.

There is,
After all,
Only so naked
One can get,
Baring the heart
The soul,
The mind,
The inner self,
The fearful self,
The anxious self,
The shameful self.

Too hard to go there
All the way,
In the light of day,
Or even
In the dark of night.

Things one
Doesn’t want to own.
Bring them
To the grave
Let them drift away
In the dust,
And in the dirt.

From the prison
Of the soul,
Let them drift away.
Or carry them,
Forever,
In the darkness,
In the ever after
Darkness,
Of the soul.